1 00:00:01,456 --> 00:00:02,752 Thank you all for join me. 2 00:00:02,753 --> 00:00:04,131 I have some big news. 3 00:00:04,132 --> 00:00:05,949 I've made us a platoon flag. 4 00:00:05,950 --> 00:00:07,350 - Yes! - That's nice. 5 00:00:07,351 --> 00:00:08,751 - Okay. - It's kind of weird. 6 00:00:08,752 --> 00:00:10,889 Each one of these birds, represents one of us. 7 00:00:10,890 --> 00:00:13,854 Pete is the mighty hawk. I am the eagle. 8 00:00:13,855 --> 00:00:15,255 And Derrick is the raven. 9 00:00:15,256 --> 00:00:17,202 Because ravens have trouble sharing their feelings. 10 00:00:17,203 --> 00:00:18,959 Oh, and Tanisha is a picture of Tanisha 11 00:00:18,960 --> 00:00:20,360 because she refused to be a bird. 12 00:00:20,361 --> 00:00:22,329 A bird cannot capture my curves. 13 00:00:22,330 --> 00:00:23,630 Which one of us is the flamingo? 14 00:00:23,631 --> 00:00:26,466 - Well, that would be you, obviously. - Ouch! Pretty hurtful. 15 00:00:26,467 --> 00:00:28,368 - It's a very nice flag, Randy. - I love you, too, hawk. 16 00:00:28,369 --> 00:00:31,037 Would you please say a few words while I hang it? Say a few words. 17 00:00:34,208 --> 00:00:37,110 We are gathered here today to hang our platoon flag. 18 00:00:37,111 --> 00:00:39,946 I didn't know we needed one, but now that we have it, 19 00:00:39,947 --> 00:00:41,681 it doesn't bother me, so... 20 00:00:41,682 --> 00:00:43,049 Amen. 21 00:00:43,050 --> 00:00:45,051 - ALL: Amen. - May I say a benediction? 22 00:00:45,052 --> 00:00:47,220 - I'm gonna head home. - I'm Audi five, later. 23 00:00:47,221 --> 00:00:49,389 GUMBLE: Still confused by the flag. 24 00:00:50,658 --> 00:00:52,359 Good night, platoon flag. 25 00:00:52,360 --> 00:00:54,394 (Whispers): I love you. 26 00:00:55,396 --> 00:00:58,265 Good morning, platoon fla... 27 00:00:58,266 --> 00:00:59,366 (screaming) 28 00:00:59,367 --> 00:01:01,301 (scream continues) 29 00:01:03,571 --> 00:01:07,440 CODY: The Army is filled troops on heroic missions. 30 00:01:07,441 --> 00:01:08,909 And then there's us. 31 00:01:08,910 --> 00:01:10,677 We take care of things at home. 32 00:01:10,678 --> 00:01:13,513 We are the Rear Detachment. 33 00:01:13,514 --> 00:01:15,548 Yes, we're soldiers. 34 00:01:15,549 --> 00:01:17,584 Sync and corrections by brayanatsix www.addic7ed.com 35 00:01:21,589 --> 00:01:24,190 (screaming continues) 36 00:01:24,191 --> 00:01:25,325 (stops screaming) 37 00:01:25,326 --> 00:01:26,993 Okay, that's enough. 38 00:01:28,229 --> 00:01:30,418 If somebody in this room took my flag, 39 00:01:30,419 --> 00:01:33,099 give it right back, now. No questions asked. 40 00:01:33,100 --> 00:01:35,969 Except for "why?" and "how could you?" 41 00:01:35,970 --> 00:01:38,338 and... Okay, there's gonna be a lot of questions, so just (phone chimes) 42 00:01:38,339 --> 00:01:40,507 give it back now so we can get started. 43 00:01:40,508 --> 00:01:42,609 - I think I know where it is. - Hi. 44 00:01:42,610 --> 00:01:44,945 By now, you know I have your flag, 45 00:01:44,946 --> 00:01:48,237 but did you know just how versatile your flag is? 46 00:01:48,238 --> 00:01:48,582 (voice trembling): No. 47 00:01:48,583 --> 00:01:51,484 It can be a napkin. Mmm. 48 00:01:51,485 --> 00:01:52,619 Mmm! 49 00:01:52,620 --> 00:01:54,354 No. 50 00:01:54,355 --> 00:01:56,389 It can be a doormat. 51 00:01:59,293 --> 00:02:00,961 That's my face! 52 00:02:00,962 --> 00:02:03,029 It can even be a diaper. 53 00:02:03,030 --> 00:02:07,000 (gasps) Oops, did baby have an accident? 54 00:02:07,001 --> 00:02:08,168 Ooh. 55 00:02:08,169 --> 00:02:10,036 - Turn it off. Turn it off! - Okay... okay. 56 00:02:10,037 --> 00:02:11,471 (Cody laughs) 57 00:02:11,472 --> 00:02:13,406 Aw, baby's had an accident. 58 00:02:13,407 --> 00:02:14,574 (laughing) 59 00:02:14,575 --> 00:02:16,610 Looks like prank season is open. 60 00:02:16,611 --> 00:02:18,044 Oh! Oh! 61 00:02:18,045 --> 00:02:20,213 How did we forget? It's like forgetting Christmas. 62 00:02:20,214 --> 00:02:22,983 God, it always sneaks up on you, just like a prank. 63 00:02:22,984 --> 00:02:26,219 Prank season? Please tell me that's not a thing. 64 00:02:26,220 --> 00:02:28,355 - Oh, it is around here, Sergeant Hill. - Well, what if I want to opt out? 65 00:02:28,356 --> 00:02:30,323 - Why would you want to do that? - Because it's stupid. 66 00:02:30,324 --> 00:02:31,509 You're stupid. 67 00:02:31,510 --> 00:02:32,910 This is kind of how I thought this was gonna go. 68 00:02:32,911 --> 00:02:35,962 Pranks are a crucible for forging bonds between a sergeant and his platoon. 69 00:02:35,963 --> 00:02:37,163 If it weren't for these rockers, 70 00:02:37,164 --> 00:02:39,032 I'd be right in the thick of it with you. 71 00:02:40,067 --> 00:02:42,469 (clears throat) Oh. Attention. 72 00:02:42,470 --> 00:02:46,706 Aaaaaa... 73 00:02:46,707 --> 00:02:48,675 At ease! 74 00:02:48,676 --> 00:02:51,044 Ready to slam and jam, Sergeant Major? 75 00:02:51,045 --> 00:02:52,946 Yes sir. 76 00:02:52,947 --> 00:02:55,215 This is Second Lieutenant Schneeberger. 77 00:02:55,216 --> 00:02:57,984 Now, he's younger than you but he outranks me. 78 00:02:57,985 --> 00:02:59,185 Isn't that something? 79 00:03:00,221 --> 00:03:01,254 Morning, sir. 80 00:03:01,255 --> 00:03:02,956 Hello... sir. 81 00:03:02,957 --> 00:03:04,157 Sir, sir. 82 00:03:04,158 --> 00:03:05,892 Just graduated from West Point. 83 00:03:05,893 --> 00:03:08,161 Here to bring this post into the 21st century. 84 00:03:08,162 --> 00:03:09,329 Along with its Sergeant Major. 85 00:03:09,330 --> 00:03:11,298 (laughs) 86 00:03:11,299 --> 00:03:12,566 (mutters): Dirty... 87 00:03:12,567 --> 00:03:14,935 What I wouldn't give to be in a prank war right now. 88 00:03:20,208 --> 00:03:22,576 All right, we're gonna bust into Jill's barracks, 89 00:03:22,577 --> 00:03:24,277 find and extract the flag, 90 00:03:24,278 --> 00:03:26,413 forge a couple of bonds, we're back before last call. 91 00:03:26,414 --> 00:03:27,547 This seems like overkill. 92 00:03:27,548 --> 00:03:29,583 I'm sorry, did you recover a weapons stash 93 00:03:29,584 --> 00:03:32,319 from a Taliban stronghold deep in the heart of Korengal? 94 00:03:32,320 --> 00:03:34,154 Yes I did it twice at lunch, it was awesome. 95 00:03:34,155 --> 00:03:36,923 I got eyes on it. 96 00:03:36,924 --> 00:03:38,358 She wasn't made for outdoor use. 97 00:03:38,359 --> 00:03:39,459 Those colors do run. 98 00:03:39,460 --> 00:03:41,261 I look good. 99 00:03:41,262 --> 00:03:42,696 I need my own country. 100 00:03:42,697 --> 00:03:44,498 DERRICK: Hold it there, brother. 101 00:03:45,233 --> 00:03:45,699 (crack) 102 00:03:47,969 --> 00:03:49,502 Yup... 103 00:03:49,503 --> 00:03:51,071 Dog poo. 104 00:03:51,072 --> 00:03:52,439 - Mm. - DERRICK: Place is mined. 105 00:03:52,440 --> 00:03:54,107 - How did you know that? - Had a feeling. 106 00:03:54,108 --> 00:03:56,476 - And the odor. - That's what that is. 107 00:03:56,477 --> 00:03:57,944 - It's disgusting. - That's really gross. 108 00:03:57,945 --> 00:04:00,347 All right. Alpha team. 109 00:04:00,348 --> 00:04:01,248 Bravo team. 110 00:04:01,249 --> 00:04:02,983 Fan out, tread lightly. 111 00:04:02,984 --> 00:04:05,185 I'm gonna pretend that the poop is hot lava. 112 00:04:05,186 --> 00:04:06,920 Or pretend like it's poo. 113 00:04:08,689 --> 00:04:10,557 Chubowski, every time, you're stepping in it. 114 00:04:10,558 --> 00:04:11,558 Every time. 115 00:04:11,559 --> 00:04:13,527 I've got my mother's flat feet. 116 00:04:13,528 --> 00:04:14,928 (Whispers): Okay, let's go. 117 00:04:14,929 --> 00:04:16,196 Here we go. 118 00:04:16,197 --> 00:04:17,464 Pete, supple hands. 119 00:04:17,465 --> 00:04:18,899 Supple hands. 120 00:04:18,900 --> 00:04:20,033 Supple... 121 00:04:20,034 --> 00:04:21,301 Supple... 122 00:04:21,302 --> 00:04:24,070 - Supple. - Would you stop saying supple? 123 00:04:24,071 --> 00:04:25,405 Wait, is that Velcro? 124 00:04:25,406 --> 00:04:26,540 That's Vel... 125 00:04:26,541 --> 00:04:28,274 What? 126 00:04:28,275 --> 00:04:29,909 Mayday! Mayday! 127 00:04:31,312 --> 00:04:34,514 Oh... She's good. She's good. 128 00:04:34,515 --> 00:04:38,785 JILL: Did you really think it would be that easy to get your flag back? 129 00:04:38,786 --> 00:04:42,051 Yeah, 'cause before with, like, the Taliban 130 00:04:42,052 --> 00:04:42,655 and the-the-the weapons that the thing... 131 00:04:42,656 --> 00:04:44,290 Blah, blah, blah. 132 00:04:44,291 --> 00:04:47,427 You're not on your battlefield anymore, you're on mine. 133 00:04:47,428 --> 00:04:49,829 Pranks are my bullets, 134 00:04:49,830 --> 00:04:51,664 and my rifle's always loaded. 135 00:04:51,665 --> 00:04:55,168 Pranks are my food, and I never go hungry. Pranks... 136 00:04:55,169 --> 00:04:56,403 - We get it. - Mm-hmm. 137 00:04:56,404 --> 00:04:58,405 You think this is over? (laughs) 138 00:04:58,406 --> 00:04:59,906 No, this is not over. 139 00:04:59,907 --> 00:05:01,341 This could totally be over. 140 00:05:01,342 --> 00:05:02,308 Give peace a chance. 141 00:05:02,309 --> 00:05:04,511 - Yeah, we surrender. - Surrender, 142 00:05:04,512 --> 00:05:07,113 ALL: Surrender, surrender, surrender... 143 00:05:07,114 --> 00:05:08,081 Come on. 144 00:05:08,082 --> 00:05:09,783 We do not surrender. 145 00:05:09,784 --> 00:05:11,584 You sure about that, ese? 146 00:05:11,585 --> 00:05:15,688 Because in a prank war... nothing is off-limits. 147 00:05:15,689 --> 00:05:18,558 You want yourself a prank war? Well, you got one. 148 00:05:18,559 --> 00:05:20,426 Yeah, you may have caught us with our guard down, 149 00:05:20,427 --> 00:05:22,562 but that will not happen again. 150 00:05:22,563 --> 00:05:23,329 (snaps fingers) 151 00:05:24,365 --> 00:05:26,332 All right, we... hah! 152 00:05:26,333 --> 00:05:27,700 Yeah, we totally expected that. 153 00:05:27,701 --> 00:05:29,068 And we are retreating now 154 00:05:29,069 --> 00:05:30,870 with our, uh... 155 00:05:30,871 --> 00:05:32,972 heads held high and our eyes down, everybody. 156 00:05:32,973 --> 00:05:34,407 Girl, you got my hair wet. 157 00:05:34,408 --> 00:05:36,075 PETE: Ugh, watch your step, it's everywhere. 158 00:05:36,076 --> 00:05:36,943 It's all mushy. 159 00:05:39,186 --> 00:05:41,616 "Operation: Prank Jill and Get Our Flag Back" 160 00:05:41,617 --> 00:05:43,865 - is now operational. Pete? - Splendid. 161 00:05:43,866 --> 00:05:46,258 Okay, prank numero uno. 162 00:05:46,259 --> 00:05:49,094 We dig a pit, fill it with sharpened sticks, 163 00:05:49,095 --> 00:05:51,563 cover it with leaves, and wait til Jill and her platoon 164 00:05:51,564 --> 00:05:52,898 fall into it on their morning run. 165 00:05:52,899 --> 00:05:54,065 Bam. 166 00:05:54,066 --> 00:05:56,835 Uh, a prank usually has a "ha-ha" element. 167 00:05:56,836 --> 00:05:59,185 This one feels just a little bit kill-y. 168 00:05:59,186 --> 00:06:00,465 Okay, okay, what about that thing 169 00:06:00,466 --> 00:06:02,101 where you want to get somebody back, so you wait for him 170 00:06:02,102 --> 00:06:04,514 to come around a corner and then you just punch him in the face. 171 00:06:04,515 --> 00:06:05,777 Prank! 172 00:06:05,778 --> 00:06:09,047 Still not a prank. That's just... straight-up physical assault. 173 00:06:09,048 --> 00:06:11,917 With all due respect, do you even know what a prank is? 174 00:06:11,918 --> 00:06:14,219 - Course I know what a prank is. - Course he knows what a prank is. 175 00:06:14,220 --> 00:06:15,921 Why don't we take a page from the greatest prankster 176 00:06:15,922 --> 00:06:18,623 - of all time. - Let's do it. 177 00:06:18,624 --> 00:06:20,826 - Fire away, buddy. - Mr. Wile E. Coyote. 178 00:06:20,827 --> 00:06:23,562 - What? No. - Oh, this is so bad. 179 00:06:23,563 --> 00:06:25,764 - All right, everybody just calm down. - Yeah, calm down. 180 00:06:25,765 --> 00:06:27,056 Okay, of course Pete knows pranks. 181 00:06:27,057 --> 00:06:29,668 Does he? Think about it, Randy. 182 00:06:29,669 --> 00:06:32,204 When we were kids, any time we'd prank him, he just beat us up. 183 00:06:32,205 --> 00:06:33,805 He never had to learn prank fu. 184 00:06:33,806 --> 00:06:36,808 Untrue. Wait till we get Jill back with a plastic spider 185 00:06:36,809 --> 00:06:38,577 and a pair of X-ray specs. 186 00:06:38,578 --> 00:06:40,645 Good Lord, he's gonna get us all killed. 187 00:06:40,646 --> 00:06:42,214 I'm really trying to have your back right now, Pete, 188 00:06:42,215 --> 00:06:44,716 but I'm kind of in a "is the sky even blue" situation. 189 00:06:44,717 --> 00:06:46,718 I'm feeling hot and itchy. 190 00:06:46,719 --> 00:06:48,920 Is this what it feels to be bad at something? 191 00:06:48,921 --> 00:06:51,223 - Why are you looking at me? - Nobody panic, all right? 192 00:06:51,224 --> 00:06:53,658 - I'm panicking. - I'm going home. 193 00:06:53,659 --> 00:06:54,726 I'm going AWOL. 194 00:06:54,727 --> 00:06:55,827 (all yelling indistinctly) 195 00:06:55,828 --> 00:06:57,129 Calm down! 196 00:06:59,132 --> 00:07:03,201 (imitates nails screeching down chalkboard) 197 00:07:05,972 --> 00:07:08,173 Better with a chalkboard, but you get the point. 198 00:07:08,174 --> 00:07:09,675 Now listen up. 199 00:07:09,676 --> 00:07:13,345 I'm experiencing a lot of emotions right now. 200 00:07:13,346 --> 00:07:15,480 On the one hand, I'm thrilled to have found something 201 00:07:15,481 --> 00:07:17,583 that the great Pete Hill sucks at. 202 00:07:17,584 --> 00:07:18,884 On the other hand, 203 00:07:18,885 --> 00:07:20,752 I don't want to be destroyed in a prank war. 204 00:07:20,753 --> 00:07:21,987 Say more words, Derrick. 205 00:07:21,988 --> 00:07:24,356 Lucky for you, I love pranks. 206 00:07:24,357 --> 00:07:26,725 It's the only time in the Army when anarchy reigns. 207 00:07:26,726 --> 00:07:28,494 Pete, I will train you, 208 00:07:28,495 --> 00:07:30,462 with Randy's help. 209 00:07:30,463 --> 00:07:32,998 Yes. The student becomes the teacher. 210 00:07:32,999 --> 00:07:35,901 The Lindsay Lohan will become the Jamie Lee Curtis. 211 00:07:35,902 --> 00:07:37,903 Randy's specialty is the blunt force prank. 212 00:07:37,904 --> 00:07:40,272 Like, I'll replace your sunscreen with mayonnaise. 213 00:07:40,273 --> 00:07:41,907 Give you a delicious sunburn. 214 00:07:41,908 --> 00:07:44,610 It's a little crude, but isn't that America? 215 00:07:44,611 --> 00:07:46,890 - I love America. - She wouldn't know. 216 00:07:46,891 --> 00:07:47,279 That's good. 217 00:07:47,280 --> 00:07:50,116 I, on the other hand, am master of the long con. 218 00:07:50,117 --> 00:07:52,317 Do you remember the summer that you thought you were getting fat? 219 00:07:52,318 --> 00:07:53,619 Yeah. 220 00:07:53,620 --> 00:07:57,256 I was taking in your pants a tiny bit every night. 221 00:07:57,257 --> 00:07:59,625 I learned to sew just to mess with you. 222 00:07:59,626 --> 00:08:02,294 I went to a fat camp in Arizona. 223 00:08:02,295 --> 00:08:03,695 What can I say? 224 00:08:03,696 --> 00:08:05,631 I have a gift. 225 00:08:07,400 --> 00:08:09,334 Should we follow you to your gift? 226 00:08:09,335 --> 00:08:10,736 SCHNEEBERGER: No, no, 227 00:08:10,737 --> 00:08:12,671 you have to click "approve" on new inventory, 228 00:08:12,672 --> 00:08:14,206 otherwise it won't sync to the cloud. 229 00:08:14,207 --> 00:08:15,240 In the old system, 230 00:08:15,241 --> 00:08:16,775 I would do this, 231 00:08:16,776 --> 00:08:18,377 and it would sync to my binder. 232 00:08:18,378 --> 00:08:19,611 Binder. 233 00:08:19,612 --> 00:08:21,647 There's a reason they call it Fort McGeezer. 234 00:08:21,648 --> 00:08:22,915 (chuckles) Anyway, 235 00:08:22,916 --> 00:08:25,217 once this is up and running, you won't ever have to 236 00:08:25,218 --> 00:08:27,219 leave your desk. Well, that sounds like my nightmare, 237 00:08:27,220 --> 00:08:29,321 Second Lieutenant Schneeberger. I'm sorry? 238 00:08:29,322 --> 00:08:31,223 I go crazy if I'm stuck behind my desk all day. 239 00:08:31,224 --> 00:08:33,892 I'm glad we're dialoguing, but let's treat this 240 00:08:33,893 --> 00:08:36,287 as more of a listening situation 241 00:08:36,288 --> 00:08:39,835 Now, change is hard. When I got to West Point, 242 00:08:39,836 --> 00:08:41,891 I didn't even know how to play squash. 243 00:08:41,892 --> 00:08:43,635 But I opened myself 244 00:08:43,636 --> 00:08:45,871 to the experience that others had to offer. 245 00:08:45,872 --> 00:08:49,508 And in the end I was managing that team as a non-player. 246 00:08:49,509 --> 00:08:51,944 - Has this been helpful? - Not really. 247 00:08:51,945 --> 00:08:54,413 Here's the thing: I don't want to "order you" 248 00:08:54,414 --> 00:08:57,449 to learn the new system, but this damn bar has a way 249 00:08:57,450 --> 00:08:59,418 to turning everything I say into an order. 250 00:08:59,419 --> 00:09:01,253 Understood. 251 00:09:01,254 --> 00:09:02,454 Amaze. 252 00:09:02,455 --> 00:09:03,455 To the cloud. 253 00:09:03,456 --> 00:09:05,891 (chuckles) 254 00:09:05,892 --> 00:09:08,894 There are three cardinal rules to pranking. 255 00:09:08,895 --> 00:09:10,562 Never fall asleep. 256 00:09:10,563 --> 00:09:12,641 Never drink from an unsealed container. 257 00:09:12,642 --> 00:09:13,932 Always cover your junk. 258 00:09:13,933 --> 00:09:14,967 "Always cover junk." 259 00:09:14,968 --> 00:09:16,401 Oh. 260 00:09:16,402 --> 00:09:18,570 Feel free to call me the Professor if the mood strikes. 261 00:09:18,571 --> 00:09:19,972 I was writing it down. 262 00:09:19,973 --> 00:09:22,808 You can't cover your junk with excuses. 263 00:09:22,809 --> 00:09:24,810 Why are you putting ice under people's doors? 264 00:09:24,811 --> 00:09:26,411 Ice? 265 00:09:26,412 --> 00:09:27,646 It's frozen urine. 266 00:09:27,647 --> 00:09:29,948 When they melt, they're urine. 267 00:09:30,950 --> 00:09:32,584 God, you have so much to learn. 268 00:09:32,585 --> 00:09:35,587 Oh... Urine, I like that... Oh, God. 269 00:09:35,588 --> 00:09:36,688 ABC, Pete. 270 00:09:36,689 --> 00:09:37,956 Always Be Covering. 271 00:09:37,957 --> 00:09:39,658 The key to a good prank is to find 272 00:09:39,659 --> 00:09:41,460 your target's weakness and exploit it. 273 00:09:42,495 --> 00:09:43,595 CHUBOWSKI: Coming. 274 00:09:43,596 --> 00:09:44,896 Sometimes it's hard. 275 00:09:46,633 --> 00:09:47,599 Delicious cookie? 276 00:09:47,600 --> 00:09:48,934 Oh. Don't mind if I do. 277 00:09:48,935 --> 00:09:51,136 Sometimes it's easy. Mm. Curious. 278 00:09:51,137 --> 00:09:53,972 They look like dessert but taste like the dentist. 279 00:09:53,973 --> 00:09:55,207 Toothpaste Oreos. 280 00:09:55,208 --> 00:09:56,842 Sorry, buddy, we're training Pete. 281 00:09:56,843 --> 00:10:00,045 Oh no, I'm happy to be your guinea pig. 282 00:10:00,046 --> 00:10:01,813 Go ahead and leave the plate. 283 00:10:03,516 --> 00:10:04,950 Gumble, we're trying to figure out 284 00:10:04,951 --> 00:10:06,852 which is the best season of Breaking Bad. 285 00:10:06,853 --> 00:10:08,720 GUMBLE: Glad you asked, friend. Honestly, 286 00:10:08,721 --> 00:10:11,123 season fi... Ooh! (grunting) 287 00:10:11,124 --> 00:10:12,491 Classic "wrapping the door." 288 00:10:12,492 --> 00:10:14,593 You can also do toilet, car, entire person. 289 00:10:14,594 --> 00:10:16,228 The options are limitless. 290 00:10:17,263 --> 00:10:18,964 We call this "fishing for rednecks." 291 00:10:18,965 --> 00:10:21,700 Ooh, a dollar. Come on, 292 00:10:21,701 --> 00:10:23,235 let's get you back to the strip club 293 00:10:23,236 --> 00:10:24,736 where you belong, little fella. 294 00:10:24,737 --> 00:10:26,471 Sergeant Major! 295 00:10:26,472 --> 00:10:27,739 The guys are training me! 296 00:10:27,740 --> 00:10:29,741 It's the most fun I've had in years! 297 00:10:29,742 --> 00:10:31,109 Yeah! 298 00:10:31,110 --> 00:10:33,145 Looks like he's fishing for rednecks. 299 00:10:33,146 --> 00:10:34,513 Lucky son of a bitch. 300 00:10:34,514 --> 00:10:35,614 Sergeant Major, 301 00:10:35,615 --> 00:10:37,015 You know, the number one enemy 302 00:10:37,016 --> 00:10:39,718 of efficiency is the window. 303 00:10:42,522 --> 00:10:43,889 Now tell me... How you gonna get Jill? 304 00:10:43,890 --> 00:10:45,257 (exhales) 305 00:10:45,258 --> 00:10:47,759 I found my target's weakness. 306 00:10:47,760 --> 00:10:49,861 She goes to the bathroom. 307 00:10:49,862 --> 00:10:51,129 What an idiot! 308 00:10:51,130 --> 00:10:52,564 Tomorrow morning, 309 00:10:52,565 --> 00:10:54,633 I disable the ladies' room in the motor pool 310 00:10:54,634 --> 00:10:56,835 so she has to use that one creepy Porta Potti 311 00:10:56,836 --> 00:10:58,003 where we found the dead squirrel? 312 00:10:58,004 --> 00:10:59,204 Ew! 313 00:10:59,205 --> 00:11:01,506 We rig the door so it sticks shut behind her. 314 00:11:01,507 --> 00:11:02,841 And then, a forklift 315 00:11:02,842 --> 00:11:05,644 lifts that bad boy onto a truck, where it's driven off 316 00:11:05,645 --> 00:11:07,913 to the Southeast Regional Porta Potti Refurbishment Center 317 00:11:07,914 --> 00:11:09,848 out in the middle of nowhere. 318 00:11:09,849 --> 00:11:10,882 Whew...! 319 00:11:10,883 --> 00:11:12,551 - Well done, Pete. - Yeah? 320 00:11:12,552 --> 00:11:13,986 Oh! 321 00:11:13,987 --> 00:11:16,455 So proud of you right now! 322 00:11:16,456 --> 00:11:17,623 Drinks are on me, people. 323 00:11:17,624 --> 00:11:18,724 'Cause tomorrow, 324 00:11:18,725 --> 00:11:20,559 I'm gonna win us a prank war. 325 00:11:20,560 --> 00:11:23,095 (cheering, overlapping shouting) 326 00:11:23,096 --> 00:11:25,030 Yeah, I got to fly into Denver, and then, 327 00:11:25,031 --> 00:11:26,832 rent a car. I know. 328 00:11:26,833 --> 00:11:28,467 Hold on a second. 329 00:11:28,468 --> 00:11:31,870 I can see you're busy, so, I'm gonna go for a little walk 330 00:11:31,871 --> 00:11:34,473 and make sure everything's in order on post. 331 00:11:34,474 --> 00:11:35,607 I'm gonna go for a little walk, 332 00:11:35,608 --> 00:11:36,875 make sure everything's in order 333 00:11:36,876 --> 00:11:38,043 on post...? 334 00:11:38,044 --> 00:11:40,512 Sir. 335 00:11:40,513 --> 00:11:41,780 (laughs) 336 00:11:41,781 --> 00:11:43,482 I still can't get used to it. 337 00:11:43,483 --> 00:11:46,585 Dad, he called me "sir"! Ah. 338 00:11:46,586 --> 00:11:48,487 I don't know. 339 00:11:48,488 --> 00:11:50,789 Older than you, younger than Grandpa? 340 00:11:56,029 --> 00:11:58,630 Pete? 341 00:11:59,966 --> 00:12:01,800 Pete, I know you're there. Show yourself! 342 00:12:03,469 --> 00:12:05,437 Ugh! I need a time-out. 343 00:12:05,438 --> 00:12:06,972 Please? 344 00:12:06,973 --> 00:12:09,675 Oh, hey, Sergeant Perez. 345 00:12:09,676 --> 00:12:11,610 Yeah, I was just hanging out in the bushes. 346 00:12:11,611 --> 00:12:13,078 I know that I said that there 347 00:12:13,079 --> 00:12:16,582 is nothing off-limits during a prank war, but I need a truce. 348 00:12:16,583 --> 00:12:17,716 (laughing): No way! 349 00:12:17,717 --> 00:12:19,685 Look, I'm dealing with some... 350 00:12:19,686 --> 00:12:20,719 What? 351 00:12:20,720 --> 00:12:23,722 Some lady problems. 352 00:12:24,757 --> 00:12:26,725 Oh. 353 00:12:26,726 --> 00:12:28,160 Oh, you mean... 354 00:12:28,161 --> 00:12:30,963 Oh, my God. Yes, yes. 355 00:12:30,964 --> 00:12:32,097 Enough said. I... 356 00:12:32,098 --> 00:12:33,999 My mom was a nurse. I get it. 357 00:12:34,000 --> 00:12:35,167 It's a temporary truce. 358 00:12:35,168 --> 00:12:36,768 All right, and, uh, you may want 359 00:12:36,769 --> 00:12:38,604 to use a different Porta Potti, capisce? 360 00:12:38,605 --> 00:12:41,465 (wry laugh) Well, thank you for showing me a little mercy. 361 00:12:41,466 --> 00:12:42,107 I appreciate it. 362 00:12:42,108 --> 00:12:43,876 Don't you worry. I'll get you. 363 00:12:43,877 --> 00:12:46,144 Oh, and a little advice about your lady problem? 364 00:12:46,145 --> 00:12:48,146 You may want to drink some electrolytes 365 00:12:48,147 --> 00:12:49,781 over the next few days 366 00:12:49,782 --> 00:12:51,884 to replenish what your body lost via the hoo-hah. Oh. 367 00:12:51,885 --> 00:12:52,918 Hey! Oh, I see. 368 00:12:52,919 --> 00:12:54,152 Yeah. What the hell! 369 00:12:54,153 --> 00:12:56,889 You're the one who has a lady problem, Pete. 370 00:12:56,890 --> 00:13:00,025 - And her name is Sergeant Jill Perez. - What? 371 00:13:00,026 --> 00:13:02,427 Your platoon had a lot of fun at The Claymore last night, huh? 372 00:13:02,428 --> 00:13:04,830 Nice of you to buy them all those beers. 373 00:13:04,831 --> 00:13:07,599 They went home so sleepy. 374 00:13:07,600 --> 00:13:09,868 Never sleep! It's a cardinal rule. 375 00:13:09,869 --> 00:13:11,136 (evil cackling) 376 00:13:11,137 --> 00:13:13,238 What did you do? 377 00:13:15,842 --> 00:13:17,843 (panting) 378 00:13:20,013 --> 00:13:22,047 (squeaking) 379 00:13:23,883 --> 00:13:26,652 (groaning) 380 00:13:26,653 --> 00:13:28,954 (yawning) 381 00:13:28,955 --> 00:13:30,989 (gasps) 382 00:13:35,795 --> 00:13:38,630 Help! 383 00:13:38,631 --> 00:13:42,100 You should've killed me while you had the chance... ese. 384 00:13:42,101 --> 00:13:43,535 (cackling) 385 00:13:43,536 --> 00:13:45,137 Get you, Jill Perez! 386 00:13:53,913 --> 00:13:55,747 Yeah! 387 00:13:55,748 --> 00:13:58,016 Somebody's gonna pay for this. 388 00:14:20,812 --> 00:14:24,148 Sergeant, might I suggest there is nobility in retreat? 389 00:14:24,149 --> 00:14:26,016 Come on. Aren't we more resilient than that? 390 00:14:26,017 --> 00:14:27,251 No! 391 00:14:27,252 --> 00:14:28,385 They Super-Glued my hands, 392 00:14:28,386 --> 00:14:29,954 and gave me Home Alone face! 393 00:14:29,955 --> 00:14:31,288 I look like Grimace! 394 00:14:31,289 --> 00:14:33,524 I look like a child's worst nightmare. 395 00:14:35,460 --> 00:14:38,128 - Maybe it is time to just call it off. - RANDY: No. 396 00:14:38,129 --> 00:14:40,731 - We need revenge! - Doesn't look like anything happened to you. 397 00:14:40,732 --> 00:14:45,869 Oh, no, they got me good. They shaved me... downstairs. 398 00:14:45,870 --> 00:14:47,871 Oh, gross. 399 00:14:47,872 --> 00:14:49,873 Wait. 400 00:14:49,874 --> 00:14:52,509 Is my mustache made of...? 401 00:14:52,510 --> 00:14:53,310 (gasps) 402 00:14:54,779 --> 00:14:55,846 Oh, my God. 403 00:14:55,847 --> 00:14:57,147 Oh, my God! 404 00:14:57,148 --> 00:14:58,515 Oh, my God! 405 00:14:58,516 --> 00:15:00,284 I will never not know that this happened! 406 00:15:00,285 --> 00:15:01,518 It doesn't look bad on you. 407 00:15:01,519 --> 00:15:04,255 We have to destroy her... and erase my memory! 408 00:15:04,256 --> 00:15:06,824 Okay, okay, just-just... just give me a second to think. 409 00:15:06,825 --> 00:15:07,958 No! You are done. 410 00:15:07,959 --> 00:15:10,591 You are relieved of your command, Sergeant. 411 00:15:10,592 --> 00:15:11,362 You can't do that. 412 00:15:11,363 --> 00:15:13,364 By show of hands, who wants Pete out? 413 00:15:15,267 --> 00:15:16,467 I'm sorry, Sarge. 414 00:15:16,468 --> 00:15:19,370 I am in charge now, and we are done 415 00:15:19,371 --> 00:15:20,971 being gentlemen. 416 00:15:20,972 --> 00:15:23,474 We need to hit Jill where it hurts. 417 00:15:23,475 --> 00:15:24,742 Her boobs. 418 00:15:24,743 --> 00:15:25,976 No. Higher. 419 00:15:25,977 --> 00:15:26,977 Her D�colletage? 420 00:15:26,978 --> 00:15:27,711 Lower. 421 00:15:27,712 --> 00:15:28,479 Her under-boobs? 422 00:15:28,480 --> 00:15:29,713 Her heart, Garfield! 423 00:15:29,714 --> 00:15:31,282 - My God! - RANDY: Jill's made of stone. 424 00:15:31,283 --> 00:15:33,717 We're never gonna find a weakness. 425 00:15:33,718 --> 00:15:35,486 Wait. What did that look mean? 426 00:15:35,487 --> 00:15:36,387 Just... 427 00:15:36,388 --> 00:15:37,755 Uh... lady problems? 428 00:15:37,756 --> 00:15:39,023 I'm not Pete. 429 00:15:39,024 --> 00:15:40,157 You wish you were me. 430 00:15:40,158 --> 00:15:41,358 Hey, ladies, 431 00:15:41,359 --> 00:15:43,227 I know you think Jill's your friend, 432 00:15:43,228 --> 00:15:45,029 but look at yourselves, okay? 433 00:15:45,030 --> 00:15:46,430 She got you good. 434 00:15:46,431 --> 00:15:48,165 (groans) 435 00:15:48,166 --> 00:15:52,069 Well... I think she's hung up on her ex-boyfriend Steve. 436 00:15:52,070 --> 00:15:55,519 I don't have all the details, but I think he hurt her real bad. 437 00:15:55,520 --> 00:15:58,108 - The ex-boyfriend. That's how we get her. - Yes, Pete. 438 00:15:58,109 --> 00:16:01,311 Everybody knows that. Sit down! 439 00:16:01,312 --> 00:16:05,015 A thousand portable toilets cooking in the sun. 440 00:16:05,016 --> 00:16:07,284 It's like Satan's Easy-Bake Oven. 441 00:16:12,223 --> 00:16:15,058 (grunting) 442 00:16:20,465 --> 00:16:23,333 (sighs) 443 00:16:25,470 --> 00:16:28,072 Game on, Nature. 444 00:16:28,073 --> 00:16:31,041 Okay, we're all set. 445 00:16:31,042 --> 00:16:33,911 Jill has received her "Just Because I'm Sorry" bouquet 446 00:16:33,912 --> 00:16:35,179 from the florist, 447 00:16:35,180 --> 00:16:37,581 complete with a apologetic teddy bear holding 448 00:16:37,582 --> 00:16:39,983 a Mylar balloon which reads "I'm beary sowwy." 449 00:16:39,984 --> 00:16:42,319 In that bouquet is a note from Steve inviting her 450 00:16:42,320 --> 00:16:44,922 to The Claymore to talk about getting back together. 451 00:16:44,923 --> 00:16:46,590 - BOTH: Oh! - It's not real! 452 00:16:46,591 --> 00:16:49,943 When Steve doesn't show up, her heart will shatter, 453 00:16:49,944 --> 00:16:51,328 and we will win this prank war once and for all. 454 00:16:51,329 --> 00:16:54,565 Ah... kind of mean. 455 00:16:54,566 --> 00:16:57,101 I have a mustache shorn from my brother's pubis. 456 00:16:57,102 --> 00:16:58,402 (snorts) 457 00:16:58,403 --> 00:17:00,604 I don't care how mean you think this is. 458 00:17:00,605 --> 00:17:03,407 My only regret is that we can't do it to her twice! 459 00:17:03,408 --> 00:17:05,309 You know, when you get mad, you snort, 460 00:17:05,310 --> 00:17:07,010 and it moves your little hairs around. 461 00:17:07,011 --> 00:17:09,146 Not my hairs, Pete! 462 00:17:09,147 --> 00:17:10,914 This ends tonight! 463 00:17:10,915 --> 00:17:12,149 Come on, guys, let's go! 464 00:17:12,150 --> 00:17:14,251 - Let's do this! - We're gonna get you, Jill! 465 00:17:15,253 --> 00:17:17,054 I'll just stay here then. 466 00:17:17,055 --> 00:17:18,655 (bird screeches) 467 00:17:28,032 --> 00:17:29,366 (grunts) 468 00:17:29,367 --> 00:17:31,201 What's that I see in the distance? 469 00:17:31,202 --> 00:17:33,904 (bird squawking) 470 00:17:33,905 --> 00:17:37,307 Ah. Sustenance. 471 00:17:39,077 --> 00:17:43,180 I think I'll have breakfast for dinner. 472 00:17:48,780 --> 00:17:49,947 DERRICK: Look at her over there. 473 00:17:49,948 --> 00:17:51,582 So hopeful. 474 00:17:51,583 --> 00:17:53,284 So ready to be crushed. 475 00:17:53,285 --> 00:17:54,618 (sighs) 476 00:17:54,619 --> 00:17:56,320 You're kind of freaking me out, man. 477 00:17:56,321 --> 00:17:58,355 This is dark. Do we even have to do it? 478 00:17:58,356 --> 00:18:00,558 Plus, I'm kind of over the whole downstairs shaving thing. 479 00:18:00,559 --> 00:18:01,625 I mean, if I'm honest, 480 00:18:01,626 --> 00:18:02,793 it's a good look. 481 00:18:02,794 --> 00:18:04,662 It's sleek, it actually adds an optic inch. 482 00:18:04,663 --> 00:18:06,564 We're doing this. Just back me up. 483 00:18:06,565 --> 00:18:08,499 Remember your lines? Yeah, but... 484 00:18:08,500 --> 00:18:09,700 I'm going in. 485 00:18:09,701 --> 00:18:11,368 (laughing) 486 00:18:11,369 --> 00:18:13,137 I hate to be 487 00:18:13,138 --> 00:18:15,906 the bearer of bad news, but Steve ain't coming. 488 00:18:15,907 --> 00:18:19,143 Got ya! Well, if it isn't the short and curly kid. 489 00:18:19,144 --> 00:18:21,679 I'm "beary sowwy," but you didn't get me. 490 00:18:21,680 --> 00:18:23,414 I knew Steve wasn't gonna come. 491 00:18:23,415 --> 00:18:25,649 Yeah, right. I'm not Pete, okay? 492 00:18:25,650 --> 00:18:27,218 Welcome to the big leagues. 493 00:18:27,219 --> 00:18:28,819 This whole Steve thing was my idea. 494 00:18:28,820 --> 00:18:30,688 Well, you should have done more homework, Big League. 495 00:18:30,689 --> 00:18:31,856 Steve never sent me flowers. 496 00:18:31,857 --> 00:18:33,657 He hated The Claymore. He's dead. 497 00:18:33,658 --> 00:18:35,426 He thought Mylar balloons were tacky, he never... 498 00:18:35,427 --> 00:18:38,429 W-Wait. What? What? Mylar... not a fan. 499 00:18:38,430 --> 00:18:39,730 Or are you seizing on the part 500 00:18:39,731 --> 00:18:41,432 that he's no longer one of the living? 501 00:18:41,433 --> 00:18:43,934 (laughing): No, no, no. I'm not buying it. 502 00:18:43,935 --> 00:18:45,302 You got burnt, and you're trying 503 00:18:45,303 --> 00:18:46,837 to make it look like you didn't, 504 00:18:46,838 --> 00:18:48,172 so, in your face. 505 00:18:48,173 --> 00:18:50,641 And in yours... some evidence. 506 00:18:50,642 --> 00:18:52,309 That's his obituary. 507 00:18:52,310 --> 00:18:54,311 This could easily be faked. 508 00:18:54,312 --> 00:18:57,281 Although, it certainly does have the feel of real news print. 509 00:18:57,282 --> 00:18:59,783 And here is a condolence letter from his mother. 510 00:18:59,784 --> 00:19:01,552 You can see it's postmarked two years ago. 511 00:19:01,553 --> 00:19:03,654 You know how easy it is to...? Just give me a second. 512 00:19:03,655 --> 00:19:06,557 - I'll do a quick search. - Mmhmm, go ahead. Take your time. 513 00:19:06,558 --> 00:19:08,325 Mm-hmm. 514 00:19:08,326 --> 00:19:09,326 Wow. 515 00:19:09,327 --> 00:19:10,728 Lot of hits. 516 00:19:10,729 --> 00:19:12,263 Mm-hmm. 517 00:19:12,264 --> 00:19:14,231 They named a high school gym after him. 518 00:19:14,232 --> 00:19:15,699 You really stepped in it. 519 00:19:15,700 --> 00:19:17,401 (laughing) 520 00:19:17,402 --> 00:19:18,669 You are dead to Steve! 521 00:19:18,670 --> 00:19:20,137 Mm! No, Pete, Steve is dead. 522 00:19:20,138 --> 00:19:22,139 Yeah, okay. Ha, ha! 523 00:19:22,140 --> 00:19:24,542 Steve is dead to you! Boom! 524 00:19:24,543 --> 00:19:27,819 DERRICK: No, as in, deceased. He's no longer with us. 525 00:19:27,820 --> 00:19:29,246 This has been a horrible mistake. 526 00:19:29,247 --> 00:19:30,714 - What? - This could not get any worse. 527 00:19:30,715 --> 00:19:32,783 Ha! Steve is never coming back! 528 00:19:32,784 --> 00:19:33,717 That's 'cause he's dead, Randy! 529 00:19:33,718 --> 00:19:35,152 That's 'cause he's dead! 530 00:19:35,153 --> 00:19:36,287 He's dead? 531 00:19:36,288 --> 00:19:38,189 Yes, he's dead. 532 00:19:38,190 --> 00:19:39,723 And the worst part about it is, 533 00:19:39,724 --> 00:19:42,159 I actually got excited when I saw his name on the card. 534 00:19:42,160 --> 00:19:43,194 Wow. 535 00:19:43,195 --> 00:19:44,261 Oh. 536 00:19:44,262 --> 00:19:46,979 - This was Derrick's idea. - I didn't want to do this. 537 00:19:46,980 --> 00:19:48,532 Yeah, I was the one that helped you with the Porta Pottis. 538 00:19:48,533 --> 00:19:50,201 I was born without 'em, I can live without 'em. 539 00:19:50,202 --> 00:19:51,936 We crossed a line, and I am so sorry. 540 00:19:51,937 --> 00:19:54,305 We are so sorry. We're so sorry. 541 00:19:54,306 --> 00:19:55,606 Thank you. Cheers. 542 00:19:55,607 --> 00:19:57,341 Cheers. Boyfriend. 543 00:19:57,342 --> 00:19:59,844 Yeah. 544 00:19:59,845 --> 00:20:01,212 Mm. 545 00:20:01,213 --> 00:20:02,613 (laughs) 546 00:20:03,615 --> 00:20:05,683 (cackling) Wait a second. 547 00:20:05,684 --> 00:20:09,854 We did get you. Steve's not dead. This has been a huge success! 548 00:20:09,855 --> 00:20:12,189 Steve's alive! I bet he loves fishing. 549 00:20:12,190 --> 00:20:13,624 Nope. Um, still dead. 550 00:20:13,625 --> 00:20:15,192 No. Wow. 551 00:20:15,193 --> 00:20:16,427 That hurt more the second time. 552 00:20:16,428 --> 00:20:20,197 I'm laughing because you dummies forgot another cardinal rule of pranking. 553 00:20:20,198 --> 00:20:22,500 I'm wearing a cup. He's wearing a cup. 554 00:20:22,501 --> 00:20:24,568 Never drink out of an open container. 555 00:20:24,569 --> 00:20:26,303 Yeah. I put a little something in your beers. 556 00:20:26,304 --> 00:20:27,872 So, in a few minutes, 557 00:20:27,873 --> 00:20:29,306 you'll be seized 558 00:20:29,307 --> 00:20:32,243 with an uncontrollable intestinal distress. 559 00:20:32,244 --> 00:20:33,511 We said we were sorry! 560 00:20:33,512 --> 00:20:34,612 And it was very sweet. 561 00:20:34,613 --> 00:20:38,315 So, that's why I am giving you this. 562 00:20:38,316 --> 00:20:39,483 Flag. 563 00:20:39,484 --> 00:20:43,320 FYI... it makes a great diaper. 564 00:20:43,321 --> 00:20:45,523 Guys, we got our flag back! 565 00:20:45,524 --> 00:20:47,224 (cheering) 566 00:20:47,225 --> 00:20:49,627 We won! We won! 567 00:20:49,628 --> 00:20:50,895 We did not win. 568 00:20:50,896 --> 00:20:51,929 No, we did not. 569 00:20:53,665 --> 00:20:55,633 CODY: So, 570 00:20:55,634 --> 00:20:58,302 you thought it would be a good idea to trap me in a Porta Potti 571 00:20:58,303 --> 00:20:59,670 and haul me off into the middle of nowhere! 572 00:20:59,671 --> 00:21:00,905 - I can explain. - I spent the last 573 00:21:00,906 --> 00:21:03,274 24 hours fighting my way back to post 574 00:21:03,275 --> 00:21:04,608 with nothing but my wits. 575 00:21:04,609 --> 00:21:07,678 I've got one thing to say to you, Sergeant Hill. 576 00:21:07,679 --> 00:21:09,713 Thank you! Thank you! 577 00:21:09,714 --> 00:21:11,248 (laughs) (whistling) 578 00:21:11,249 --> 00:21:12,750 Hey, the men's room's out of order. 579 00:21:12,751 --> 00:21:14,585 Somebody better get on that. 580 00:21:14,586 --> 00:21:15,553 Right away, sir. 581 00:21:21,693 --> 00:21:23,694 Hey! What the hell! 582 00:21:25,864 --> 00:21:27,832 No T.P., 583 00:21:27,833 --> 00:21:29,733 and I plastic-wrapped the bowl. 584 00:21:29,734 --> 00:21:32,703 - (laughter) - Prank! 585 00:21:32,704 --> 00:21:36,204 www.addic7ed.com 586 00:21:36,254 --> 00:21:40,804 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0